Don't overload your social network

Your heart races like a rebel in a 1950s flick. Your eyes widen, an unbidden smile stealing across your slack-jawed face. Your soul threatens to leap from your throat and go tearing about the room, pinwheeling its translucent arms, screaming, "Wheeee!"

No, you're not in love, you're just super amped about all those shiny new followers on Twitter or glowing red notifications on your Facebook.

Such digital messages can act as a salve to counteract the ills of modern life. However, in some cases, when applied too frequently, that salve can be more irritating than soothing.

There's been much discussion in the Internet-verse about whether social networking ruins or strengthens human relationships. A Pew survey reports that Facebook users have closer friends and feel more socially supported. But a study published in the journal "Cyberpsychology, Behavior and Social Networking" suggests the Book of Face is a haven for narcissists.

Then last year, research showed that Facebook and whatnot trigger the release of oxytocin (the love chemical) in our brains.

Truth is, we'll probably never get a clear-cut answer to the what-is-social-networking-doing-to-our-social-lives question.

But it's hard to deny that, when we pin our self-esteem to how many online interactions we rack up in a day, we're just using social media as a hastily swallowed pill to feel better about our IRL social ties.

So stop wanly pinging into the abyss, doing everything in your power to draw out the replies and likes and retweets from your equally sallow-eyed e-friends.

Here are three cases in which you should just shut up already:

With friends you haven't seen in a while

"Hey Jimmy! I haven't seen you in weeeeeeeeks! Therefore, in between promises of coffee and drinks and backpacking trips to Iceland sent via Facebook message and Twitter DM, I'm just going to go ahead and comment on everything on your Facebook Page, wantonly 'Liking' every new snapshot that you take with your webcam, alone in your room, trying out each hairstyle on Twin Shadow's 'Haircut Tour' poster.

And, as those aforementioned promises never come to fruition, I'll merely become an annoyance, a possible reclusive pathological liar who has ample time to hang on Facebook but can't manage to scrape together two hours to see "Friends With Benefits," even though we both posted the trailer on our walls and clearly would love to see such a wholly original film starring the extremely talented Mila Kunis. Peace out."